Magnetic Authenticity Podcast with Jolynne Rydz

15. When Magnetic Authenticity Backfires: 3 Missing Ingredients Causing Connection to Collapse

• Jolynne Rydz

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Remember that time you shared something deeply personal, hoping for connection, but instead faced awkward silence or judgment? That's the shadow side of authenticity we rarely discuss—when being your genuine self creates distance instead of drawing people closer.

Magnetic authenticity is a powerful force that can transform your relationships and leadership, but like any strength, it has potential pitfalls. Through years of coaching and observing human behaviour in countless organisations, I've identified three critical ingredients that, when missing, cause authenticity to backfire: awareness, intention, and alignment.

Without self-awareness, we remain blind to how our authentic expression impacts others. Are you truly showing up as yourself, or as who you were conditioned to be? Many of us operate from childhood patterns that feel authentic but actually block our true potential. A phrase I hear over and over from my clients is, "No one's ever told me this before"—sometimes that gentle reflection of truth can completely transform someone's leadership journey.

Your intention matters tremendously. When authentic sharing comes from fear, lack, or unresolved pain, it creates a vastly different impact than when it flows from service and purpose. Consider the classic oversharer, the constant meeting dominator or the silent one that prefers to wait and watch —what drives these behaviours at their core? Understanding your true motivations helps ensure your authenticity serves both you and others effectively.

Finally, alignment with your environment determines whether your authentic expression will land well. Not every space welcomes true diversity of thought or behaviour, despite what people might claim.  Sometimes tactical authenticity—choosing when to reveal different aspects of yourself—is the wisest approach.

This transformation from raw authenticity to magnetic authenticity isn't about being less genuine; it's about being intentionally authentic in ways that create meaningful connection. 

Ready to develop these three ingredients in your own life? Join the waitlist for upcoming masterclasses at https://brilliance-inspired.kit.com/mcwaitlist and learn tools to align your authentic expression with your deepest purpose.

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I am a Confidence and Success Coach for leaders, Organisational Development Consultant and independent Leadership Circle Profile® Certified Practitioner. Information shared about this tool is courtesy of Leadership Circle®, all rights reserved. www.leadershipcircle.com

Jolynne Rydz:

Have you ever shared something personal, raw and real, only to be met with awkward silence, judgment or maybe even backlash? Maybe you thought being your most authentic self would create connection, but instead it left you feeling misunderstood, vulnerable or even unprofessional. Today we're diving into the shadow side of magnetic authenticity, when it goes too far and starts working against you instead of for you. And what are the three conditions that are going to help you bring your magnetic authenticity out in a way where it lands and it has the impact that you desire? You see, magnetic authenticity is all about showing up as being the real you, being genuine, open and using this as your superpower. But, like any strength, there can be a shadow side to this as well, if we don't fully understand our authenticity and the impact it has on others, or the situation we're in and what that means for us. As an example, many years ago, I worked in an organization with a leader who was a lovely person and was quite good to work with, and one thing they did do, though, was often complain incessantly about other managers, and I know they were trying to be real and raw and authentic and create connection, but the impact that that had on me and the team around me was. It really undermines the relationship that we had with some of these managers and it brought a real negative tone to our interactions. And from reflection I get the sense that this person, although their intent was good, deep down they felt that maybe they just weren't as good as these other managers and so they had to almost point out all the negative parts of these other people so they could feel better about themselves. Now I don't know that for a fact, but I'm pretty good at reading people and that's been pretty clear with the work that I've been doing, so I can hope you can see that as an example. It's what can lie underneath the behaviors that you see when people are just showing up as what looks like their true self. Another example again many years ago I worked in an organization where there was this one person who was really known for being horrible to be around. Now, whenever someone found out that this person was going to be in the room that they were managing or facilitating or a group session they were going to be in, they actually got really worried about how am I going to manage this? How am I going to manage the negativity? What are we going to do? How is this going to impact everyone else in the room? And see?

Jolynne Rydz:

The thing is what I saw underneath this behavior of this person who would often show up, roll their eyes, they would huff at things that were being said. They would point out what would work. They would almost do it quite aggressively. And what I could see underneath these layers and the impact that they were having on the people around them was that they actually deeply cared about what was happening and they wanted the best outcome. They just didn't realize the way that that passion was being received. And underneath all that was this worry of what if we go down this path and we waste all the effort because it's the wrong path, let's choose the right path first. Waste all the effort because it's the wrong path? Let's choose the right path first. And it's something that I often see when organizations are making a change, something's being pivoted and people haven't yet had the chance to fully come to terms with that, they can show up as their authentic self and be all passionate, but when that behavior and that message is being driven from a place of fear and worry about what the outcome will be, then the impact that that has and the perception people have of that can sometimes be a really negative one.

Jolynne Rydz:

Another example I had, which is where a friend actually applied for a job and they got a call from the recruiter and the recruiter started chit-chatting and tried to be all casual and actually said the phrase bloody football, right. And instantly my friend was worrying and doubting is this the right place where I want to work? What does this say about the organization? Actually got really nervous before the interview and worried that maybe it was a bit too blokey and maybe didn't suit them and maybe even unprofessional. So in this third example again, even though the intent was good, it's about that awareness of the situation and what are some of the social norms around that situation. Now, if you know me, you know that I'm probably not the most obedient when it comes to social norms. I'm quite happy to walk a different path, but there are times when it is useful to walk the social norm path, when the outcome is going to be more aligned with what you're truly intending to achieve. So there's always a place for, I guess, sticking within the box but not feeling trapped in that box and being able to step in and out of that really freely.

Jolynne Rydz:

So when authenticity goes unchecked or it isn't delivered with the right intention or with conscious intention even, it is possible that it can cause things like confusion, discomfort, maybe even damage the reputation or the outcome that you're trying to achieve in any given interaction. So what I've found is that magnetic authenticity backfires when you are missing three ingredients. So if I look back over all of the examples that I've seen, all of the people that I've coached, all of the workshops that I've seen, and the way people are behaving, the way people are behaving in the cultures and workplaces around me and even out on the street I'm a serial sponge of observing human behavior, and so what I've found when I look back over that is three missing ingredients of why magnetic authenticity can backfire, which are awareness, intention and alignment. So when these are missing or they're underdeveloped, this can create a situation where, when someone is truly authentic and showing up as themselves, it might actually be distancing people from them. So, instead of being that magnetic force, it might actually be a push-repel force, and that goes beyond the people. It goes down to the impact and the outcome that this person is trying to achieve. So, so, knowing that when you have these three ingredients awareness, intention and alignment and you can use that to your advantage so you can tap into that magnetic authenticity. It's a really nice way to check in and see and make sure that when you are being authentic, you're actually moving towards the outcome that you're trying to achieve In 2021,.

Jolynne Rydz:

A researcher from INSEAD found that authentic behavior improved relationships when the person felt like they fit the social norms of the group, but conflict actually increased when that person, who was behaving authentically, was misaligned with the social norms of the group. Authentically was misaligned with the social norms of the group. So what I read into this study that was done was that it's actually about understanding so we can show up as authentic selves, and sometimes people understand that and they embrace that, and sometimes they don't get it and ultimately, magnetic authenticity can backfire when we don't understand ourself and we don't understand others. So understanding ourself is so critical, because until you are wholly congruent and aware of who you are and I shouldn't say until, because I think it's a journey right, even though some people hate that word it is a journey right. We are constantly evolving, and I had to pause there and sing this phrase because it's just come into my head from a beautiful artist called Fia and she has this line saying we are constantly evolving as a human race, and I think it's true for self as well. If we are constantly evolving, our authenticity and who we are evolves as well. Our identity is not fixed, even though our ego likes to grasp and hold onto that identity so tightly, because who are we if we are not that? So once we are clear on who we are right now, at this given moment, and who we want to be, then we need to understand how that impacts others and those around us.

Jolynne Rydz:

Again, many years ago I worked in an organization which was really lovely, like everyone was really happy and friendly and professional and they all did great work. And for a while I was wondering, wow, is this too good to be true? Like, how is everyone so happy, great work? And for a while I was wondering, wow, is this too good to be true? Like, how is everyone so happy? But as time went on, I got the sense that there was a real subtle but there us and them dynamic. And this came to light when I decided to do a talk and it was a talk to a large group of the organization and I just decided, hey, I'm going to be myself and see what happens.

Jolynne Rydz:

And all the butterflies in my stomach came out because I thought, oh, this is going to be risky. What are they going to think? They're going to judge me? They're going to think I'm a wacko, because I'm pretty fun and energetic when I'm presenting. I try not to be you know the death by PowerPoint style, because it just doesn't work. So I decided to just show up, be me and show my strengths also of seeing patterns, because it's something that I do basically from birth. My introversion helps me to be the one that stands back. Introversion helps me to be the one that stands back, sees all the patterns, analyzes them and puts them together and go hey, could it be this? What do you reckon? So I did this talk and in my mind it went really well. There was engagement around the room and I could see people nodding and getting involved and what happened afterwards was really interesting.

Jolynne Rydz:

So I had two really stark responses from two different groups. So one group was really about 10% of the organization. I kid you not, sorry, not organization. The group came up to me individually to say oh my goodness, thank you, like that was the most real anyone has ever spoken here. Someone else said thank you Like that. That was the most real anyone has ever spoken here. Someone else said thank you, I finally feel seen and heard. And the next person said you know, you really made us feel valued, thank you. And I thought to myself yes, all right, that is exactly the impact I wanted to have, because I'm all about empowering people through getting them to feel seen, heard, acknowledged and valued, because that is the key to unlocking any sort of transformation. If you don't do that, anything you force on people is not going to work. That's another podcast topic, so I won't diverge into that. So back to the story.

Jolynne Rydz:

The second response I got was one that actually shocked me. There was a group of people that were actually offended by what I said, and it took me a while to one realize this, because they were very nice in the way that they shared it to me, and two, it was just so far outside of what my intent was that I was actually so shocked that I'd done this because I would never want to offend anyone, and what I realized was that, even though I was aware that what I planned to do was risky, even though my intent was good, even though a large proportion, so 10% is that only the people that came and spoke to me. I can guarantee you there'd be more than that that didn't speak up. That would have resonated with what I said because I saw it on their faces around the room. So, even though all of that happened, my version of what I was presenting didn't match this group's version of what they wanted me to present. For example, instead of saying, yes, we want the culture to become even stronger and we'll do what that takes, what I saw in reality was this rhetoric of, yes, let's build a great culture as long as we still maintain control and everything stays positive and happy.

Jolynne Rydz:

And the thing is, with any sort of cultural shift and transformation, there is going to be discomfort, and if we step away from this discomfort, then we lose that opportunity to realize that transformation. We pull out too early, realize that transformation, we pull out too early. So what ended up happening was it became really clear to me that there was a misalignment. So I can be all shiny and happy and positive, and there are times when I do that intentionally, but there are also times when that is actually really unhelpful and it's actually not where my biggest impact is so clients that have worked with me before know that one of my gifts and this is the feedback I get from them is that I gently reflect back to them what it is that they need to see.

Jolynne Rydz:

I give them a gentle reflection of the truth. I tell them and I show them what other people are too scared to tell them, because they don't want to hurt their feelings, they don't want to be polite and I have their permission to do this because they've hired me as a coach and often the feedback I get is no one's ever told me this and for some people it can literally change the trajectory of their career and their leadership, sometimes even their life, because no one's ever stopped to tell them. So for some people that gentle show of truth can be really shocking and they don't want to know and they're not ready for it. And if I'm in a one-on-one environment, I can tell when someone's not ready and we don't go there. But for the ones that are, they are so grateful and I literally let them know hey, can I give you a gentle slap right now, a loving slap, and they say, okay, cool, go on, hit me with it, because they know that what's about to come out of my mouth may seem brutal, but it's delivered with love and it's delivered in a way that gets them to see oh my goodness, this is the thing that's been holding me back from what I've been wanting to achieve for so long, like, how have I not seen this? Like the penny drops.

Jolynne Rydz:

So I hope you can see that when you are your authentic self, yes, there can be risks and yes, there can be massive ripple effects of good, and, yes, there can be things that don't go to plan as well. So what is really important, and the things I want to share with you in this episode, is that magnetic authenticity backfires when you're missing three ingredients, and those ingredients are awareness, intention and alignment. It doesn't make you a bad person. There's just opportunity in to really understand your authentic self and how that shows up and interplays with the rest of the world. So let's unpack these three components. So the first one being awareness.

Jolynne Rydz:

So this is about really knowing the impact that you have on others. So, like me, I can show up and have the best of intention, but if I don't realize and people don't give me that feedback that, hey, you actually offended me, if no one ever told me that, or if I couldn't actually see that for myself, I would continue to do those things and not learn from that experience. So knowing the impact you have can be confronting, but it's also incredibly powerful and useful and needed if you're a leader. Because if you're a leader, you basically amplify impact in an organization. So if you're doing something that's detrimental and you don't know and people won't tell you, that can be incredibly damaging to your reputation, the way you are able to get your work done, the results that you're able to achieve, even up to the extent of the organization. So unlocking this self-awareness is so, so critical. It's about how do others perceive you, how do you make them feel? And another component to this is is this actually the real you? Honestly, is this the real you when you show up and behave and do and say these things? Is it actually you or is it who you were taught to be?

Jolynne Rydz:

For an example, I was raised in a very loving Asian family and, yes, often the stereotype is true that Asian families put a lot of pressure out of love on their children to perform to a really high standard, because there's this cultural belief that when you do your best, you will be successful and you will be looked after and you will be prosperous and you will be healthy and you will be well. So there's a lot of pressure to be the high performer, and that was me. I was the high performer, I made no mistakes and I was always prepared, but there came a point in my life where I realized that there was so much I wasn't trying and tapping into. Because of that, because I was taught to be this way and it wasn't my natural way of being. I won't go into depth now, but I'm trained as a human design coach and my human design actually says that I'm meant to be someone who experiments and fails through learning, and that is one of my most effective ways of learning and adding value to the world is experimenting, failing and learning and then sharing those learnings. So for many years I was not tapping into that. I was learning through, you know, knowledge, texts, books, trying to do what the rules say, and it got me to a certain point. But the energy cost of that was incredible.

Jolynne Rydz:

And so more recently in my life, some of my biggest failings have made me realize that failure is actually fun, because so much shifts in the world, the things that you thought were going to hold you back can suddenly be released because you realize that, oh, that was all in my head and it didn't play out in reality. One of my biggest learnings is going from failure to flow. So this self-awareness about who you are, who you truly are, and are you showing up as someone who you are conditioned to be or someone who you truly are? And the difference is how you tell is one is showing up from a place of fear and lack, like trying to be good enough, trying to be perfect, trying to please everyone, trying to belong, trying to fit in, and the other one is showing up from a place of service, of purpose, of passion. It's a really different energy. So the second ingredient that you need to really unlock your magnetic authenticity, so it doesn't backfire, is intention.

Jolynne Rydz:

I don't know if you've ever noticed you're in a group setting, maybe you're in a workshop or a social setting, and often there's one or two people, maybe even a group, depending who they are. Of really overactive talkers I'll say they talk a lot and they tend to dominate the conversation. So some of the reasons for this can be quite innocent, like they might be nervous, they might need to be seen as the expert. They might be trying to really help people, even if others don't want that help, and they might be wanting to be seen as active and social. So it's about noticing if you're someone that does talk, or maybe if you're someone that hangs back from a conversation like what's your intention, are you doing that out of fear, like I said before, from a place of lack? I need to be good enough. I don't know enough, I can't say anything, or I need to talk a lot to show my knowledge and make sure people know that I am skilled in this area.

Jolynne Rydz:

When that fear and lack comes through, you've got to ask yourself what's my true intention here, and is this one that's going to serve me and others? So another example is you know the oversharer, so the people that get caught in complaining about their situation and being the victim well beyond the time when they were actually being a victim outside of their control. So they're now keeping themselves in this state because they keep telling and retelling the story, because there's unresolved pain, often unresolved trauma. So am I sharing what I have to say because I want sympathy and I want someone to tell me I'll be okay. I want someone to tell me that what happened to you you didn't deserve. Or am I maybe telling others because I want to help and I want to help someone avoid the pain that I've experienced. What's your intention? And so for me, like sometimes I laugh, right, I'm a very joyful person by nature and so when I'm presenting or when I'm working with people, I often laugh. Now, when that gets overused is when I'm laughing through nervousness, because I'm a bit unsure about maybe who I'm around or what I'm going to say, and I start getting in my head and my ego is trying to protect myself. I might laugh. So, again, it's about what's my intention here. Who's driving it? Is it the fear and the ego, or is it me? Because I'm coming from a place of passion and service.

Jolynne Rydz:

So the third ingredient to make sure that magnetic authenticity doesn't backfire is alignment. So the question to ask yourself is, in any given situation, is the environment actually safe? Because I have been in a situation where I didn't read the room, I actually thought it was safe, and because people were telling me things that made me believe that I was in a safe space, but their behavior afterwards showed me that I was not. So sometimes it can be really hard to tell, and I'm kind of disappointed a little bit in myself that I couldn't pick that, but I think I really wanted to trust and have faith in what these people were saying, but that's okay. That's a mistake that we can all learn from. So the first question is is the environment actually safe? Do the people in this room truly value and respect diversity, or are they going to be people that are openly or maybe sometimes passive-aggressively, ostracizing people that don't fit the mold?

Jolynne Rydz:

So these are some subtle signs that you can sometimes your brain wants to ignore because you want to hope for the best, but what are their values and does it feel right to you? Because you can choose to be authentic or you can choose not to be authentic. The power is still the choice right, so you can still show up as you, but choose to put on a mask or some safety armor because you feel you need it, and that's okay. What can happen, though, is if we put those masks and that armor on as default. That can prevent the connection. So it's really knowing and assessing that environment to make sure am I aligned and safe in this place, or do I need a little bit of armor today, and that's okay, and sometimes to get to the place of safety, it's simply a matter of time. So you can read those signals and cues.

Jolynne Rydz:

So I trust that that was useful. That is magnetic authenticity, and when it backfires so when you're missing those three ingredients of awareness, intention and alignment it can backfire. So I hope now you can see what you can do to assess for yourself how do I show up as me? Am I even showing up as me, and what's the impact that I want to have? What is the intention I have, and is this an alignment?

Jolynne Rydz:

Now, to do all that, you do need to have some level of self-awareness, and self-awareness, I think, is something we can never truly achieve, because the moment we think we know how we show up, we're ignoring the fact that every single person has a different lens through which they see us. Every single person has different beliefs, mindsets, experiences that color their view of how they see you, so you can never be fully self-aware. So one of the tools that I use to help my clients unpack this is the Leadership Circle Profile. It's a 360 degree view of you and how you show up as a leader. So, whether that's to your manager, your boss's boss, whether it's to your peers, whether it's to your direct reports, whether it's to key stakeholders and clients. We can take a deep and safe dive into how you're actually showing up and map that against an incredibly evidence-based tool that has almost direct correlation to business performance and leadership effectiveness. It's astounding what this tool can show you so you know exactly where your strengths are that you can lean more into, and where you're maybe overusing some of your shadow strengths and they're working against you. So they work in the short term, but in the long term, they're working against you.

Jolynne Rydz:

Another thing I'm excited to share is I'm actually starting to create some tools around alignment based on human design and understanding your purpose. Like, what are you actually here to do? You know that deep yearning that you've got inside that I could be doing something more, I could be having a bigger difference. Sometimes it can take years to unpack that, so I am creating something that can shortcut that process for you and also really get in tune with your energetic needs and how you manage your energy, because energy is something that comes up a lot.

Jolynne Rydz:

I often encounter clients who are tired or burnt out and all sorts of things. So, knowing how to manage your energy and I'm talking beyond sleep, eating and food and exercise. I'm talking about other effects on your energy. So emotional energy, mental energy, effects on your energy. So emotional energy, mental energy, the people around you and how they impact your energy, and that alignment and how it impacts your energy.

Jolynne Rydz:

I'm again unpacking this and almost decoding it for you so you can walk away with a really clear understanding of what it's like to know exactly where you need to re-energize and what you need to do and, ultimately, all of these things help you deeply understand yourself. So you can search for opportunities that align and you can create opportunities where you can be in alignment and make that impact that you were born to make. So if any of that is sparking your curiosity, you can always DM me on LinkedIn or Instagram, or you can pop your name on the waitlist even better, because then I will jump into your inbox and let you know when these masterclasses or products or programs whatever it ends up being becomes available. So you can https://brilliance-inspired. kit. com/mcwaitlist . So always remember you were born for a reason it's time to thrive.

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